Nancy gave the test strip a hard stare, comparing it to the chart for the fifth time. Then she sat back with a sigh.
Positive. At least, she was almost sure it was positive.
She looked at the directions again. After positive results, make love for the next three days.
That… well. No use in taking the test otherwise, was there. She reluctantly dropped the strip into the bathroom waste basket and put the directions away, walking slowly into their bedroom, her gaze unfocused.
Ned was still on the couch in front of the TV. He wouldn’t know if she didn’t tell him. Besides, maybe tonight he would be too tired, or not in the mood…
Nancy snorted quietly as she sat down at the foot of the bed. Fat chance.
Ned had never gone back on his promise to her, and she was very grateful for that. He didn’t make love to her when she didn’t want it, although their conditions for that situation were probably different than almost anyone else’s. He tried hard to make it as easy as possible for her, to not put any pressure on her. He made sure she knew he loved her the entire time.
And it wasn’t like the sex would be different. He would reach climax like he always did. She didn’t need to. As far as she understood it, anyway. Women became pregnant all the time without necessarily achieving orgasm to do so.
But what if their baby was like her?
“What’s wrong?”
Nancy had been gazing, unseeing, at her open palms in her lap. She glanced up, trying to keep her sniffing quiet, but from the way Ned’s expression changed, she knew he had heard it. She had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn’t even heard him approaching.
She opened her mouth, the word “Nothing” on the tip of her tongue, but she didn’t say it. He waited while she considered what to say instead.
“The test says I’m ovulating,” she said, and was proud when her voice didn’t tremble.
Ned nodded slowly, his gaze still locked to her face as he took a few steps toward her. He looked cautious, almost. He wasn’t trying to fill the silence or guess what she was upset about. That had definitely changed.
“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered, shaking her head.
He sat down beside her and reached for her hand. “You know that’s not true,” he replied. “Are you having second thoughts?”
She shrugged, glancing away from his dark, tender eyes.
“Let’s talk through it, then. What do we do after the test is positive?”
She blushed. “Make love over the next three days.”
“Is that what’s wrong?”
She kept her gaze on her lap and shook her head.
“So…?”
She took a deep breath and met his gaze, and even then she almost faltered. “What if our baby is like me?”
He grinned. “I’d love that,” he said. “Then we’d have a beautiful, smart, fantastic little girl.”
She smiled briefly. “No, I mean… what if she’s…”
“Asexual?”
Nancy nodded, miserable. She had come to terms with her orientation, although it had taken a while, and she was beyond grateful to have an understanding partner. But she couldn’t easily forget or dismiss what had come before that. She had felt broken and uncomfortably different. She had been convinced she needed to change before anyone could love her, and though Ned had always loved her, they had both thought her lack of enjoyment when it came to sex was a problem. But they had each blamed themselves for it, not each other.
“Then we’d have a beautiful, smart, wonderful little girl,” he repeated. “But she could be like me, too. Or like neither of us. In that respect, anyway.” He shrugged.
Nancy blew out a long breath. “I just wouldn’t wish it on our child. That’s all.”
“Are you unhappy with our life?”
“No! Not at all,” she replied, and squeezed his hand. “But I also know I’m incredibly lucky. Not many people would be as understanding as you.”
Ned shrugged. “Their loss,” he said, gazing into her eyes. “But… fifteen years from now, when this hypothetical child is first starting to really think about this, we’ll be there to talk about it. And I’d like to believe that the world will be more understanding then. That he or she won’t go through what we did.”
He paused. “I can’t imagine being any other way,” he admitted. “I thought everyone was like me.
“And we don’t have to do this now. I want you to be sure it’s what you want, first. We have time.”
Her eyes were shining with tears as she searched his face. Ned had never transferred his disappointment or frustration into rage or violence; she didn’t know why she was so afraid of letting him down. Maybe because she already knew he would turn it inward, and she hated to see him hurting when she could do anything about it. “I’m not ready,” she whispered. “I thought I was. I’m sorry.”
He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. “Sweetheart,” he murmured. “It’s all right. We’ll just wait.”
She closed her eyes and pressed her face against his neck. He smelled like home. “I love you,” she whispered.
“Love you too.” He nuzzled against her briefly, then pulled away. “Let’s just relax and watch TV. No big deal.”
By the weekend, the window had closed, or at least Nancy hoped it had. She felt paranoid; she was off her birth control for the first time since their wedding, and when Ned slid too close to her in bed, even though he hadn’t tried anything, she had still tensed up. He had to have noticed.
Maybe tonight. She probably wasn’t still fertile—but the doubt was giving her pause. She wanted to be close to Ned, though. She wanted to see the love in his eyes while he kissed her and caressed her, even knowing what would come after.
He was still a little buzzed when he walked into their apartment, after hanging out with his friends, and his eyes lit up when he saw her sitting on the couch. She wore her short pale-blue nightgown, and her hair was down, falling in loose waves down over her shoulders.
She gave him a tentative smile. “Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey, beautiful,” Ned replied, taking off his coat. He hung it up in the closet near the door as he toed out of his shoes. His eyes were still alight as he came over to her, sitting beside her on the couch. “I missed you.”
From his expression, she knew exactly what he meant. “I missed you too,” she said. He reached up and gently cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking against her skin; after a beat, she closed her eyes and nuzzled against his palm.
Asked and answered. The nightgown was its own sign, but his touch and her response confirmed it.
He smiled. “I’ll get ready for bed,” he murmured.
Nancy waited a few minutes, then went to their bedroom. The rest of their apartment was quiet and dark, and she left only the bedside lamp on. When Ned emerged from the bathroom, she was under the covers, taking slow deep breaths.
“Did you change your mind?” He sat down on her side of the bed and traced his fingertips down her cheek.
She shook her head. “If we… can you use a condom? Just in case?”
He nodded, searching her eyes. “Of course, baby.” Then he chuckled silently. “Pun not intended.”
She smiled in return. “Thank you.”
He went to his side of the bed. “Come here,” he murmured, once he was under the covers too.
She slid toward him, reaching for him, and stroked her fingers down his cheek before claiming a slow kiss. Ned responded slowly, sliding his arm around her, drawing her closer, until his body was pressed against hers. She ignored his erection. For now, for a little while, she just wanted to be close to him.
They kissed until they were both breathless, and he grasped her hips and pulled her on top of him. She straddled him, nuzzling against him, kissing his neck, stroking his shoulders and his sides. “I love you so much,” she whispered against his skin.
“I love you too, baby.” She could hear the quiet strain in his voice, from not responding as he wanted. She was too close to him, and he was very aroused. His large, warm palms rested against the small of her back.
She brushed her lips against his, and then his tongue was in her mouth and his hand was sliding up her back and his fingers were combing through her hair. He tensed under her again, and relaxed after what had to be a massive act of will.
He wanted her, but he would never hurt her. She could say the word and all this would stop.
The temptation was too strong. She cupped his cheek, her tongue sliding against his, for a while longer. It was perfect.
She broke the kiss and nuzzled against him, planting soft kisses against his jaw. Her tongue traced the edge of his earlobe. She breathed his name and felt him shiver.
She was playing with fire.
Slowly she moved off him, onto her back beside him, and waited. The entire time, they hadn’t undressed any further. She still wore the silky gown, warmed by her skin, and panties.
Ned rolled on top of her, one knee landing between her legs and pushing them apart. His hand slid under her gown and she flinched as his palm moved against bare skin, then higher, until he was covering her breast. He plucked at her nipple, his breath warm against her neck, and she screwed her eyes tight shut, her lips parted. He had worn his favorite cologne tonight, and she could still smell it, a woodsy musk she associated with only him. Even a hint of it when she was alone would make her think of him and shiver.
Soon he would cross the line, and both of them knew it; she always tried to enjoy what came before it, and when they were having sex she was completely addicted to the desire and satisfaction she saw in his eyes. She was even happier when she was in his arms after and he was pleased and sated, spent and drowsy and cuddled close to her. And this… when they were like this, she felt like the center of his world, adored and loved.
He whispered her name as he was drawing her panties down her legs, and she gazed up at him, a shiver passing over her. Her husband was incredibly masculine, and beyond handsome. He was athletic and muscular, and the smoldering desire in his gorgeous eyes sparked an answering warmth in her.
She was the only woman he had ever wanted this way. He could have crooked his finger at any straight woman at Emerson and had her; when they were out together, the sheer animal magnetism of him was undeniable. And yet he only wanted her. He only had eyes for her.
He moved over her again, and Nancy slid her arms around his shoulders. He took a breath and paused, and she could feel it again, the tension in him, the way he held himself back. “I love you,” she murmured.
He kissed her earlobe. “And I will always be totally in love with you,” he whispered directly into her ear, and a shudder went down her spine. Maybe they hadn’t spent a lot of time like this while dating, but his kisses, the warmth of being in his arms, had always done this to her. The longing she had for him was terrifyingly visceral when they were apart.
He parted her legs wide and she kept herself relaxed, then tilted her head back at the first stroke of his tongue against her clit. The slow simmer of her arousal was easily ignored. She let herself drift, awash in bliss, her fingers in her husband’s hair. He licked and suckled against the tender nub of flesh until she was gasping and trembling.
“Now, baby,” she moaned. She was relaxed and happy, and she wanted to feel his weight on her. She wanted to see the love on his face as he joined to her.
He gave her one last lick, then pressed a lingering kiss just below her belly button. She relaxed even more as he moved over her, reaching for the drawer beside their bed and pulling out a condom, and she gazed up into his face.
“So beautiful,” he whispered, and once he was barely inside her, he locked his gaze to hers. Her heart skipped a beat when his lashes fluttered, and she reached for him. His thrust was slow and deep, and she kept her breaths slow and even too. His joy gave her joy, and when he moaned, she smiled at him.
“Is it all right? The condom…?”
Ned met her gaze as he slid inside her again. “God, yes,” he panted. “Are you okay?”
She nodded, stroking her fingertips against the nape of his neck and his shoulder blades as he kept moving in that same steady rhythm. He reached down and grasped her hips, changing his angle inside her, and she whimpered softly.
“Almost there,” he promised her, moving faster. “Tell me if you need to stop.”
She shook her head, biting her lip briefly. “Don’t stop.”
He gave her a brief grin, and after one more thrust he slid deep inside her and cried out quietly as he came. She shivered again as he collapsed to her with a groan, and she wrapped him in her arms, feeling his chest heave as he fought to catch his breath.
With a sigh, he moved away from her to dispose of the condom, and she gazed at him the entire time, cold and waiting. Then he returned to her, and the warmth she felt when she was in his arms again made her purr quietly in satisfaction. Ned chuckled, his palm stroking down her back.
“All right?”
She nodded, still burrowed against him. He kissed the crown of her head and his fingertips slid down her hair. She felt him breathe and was delirious with love for him.
“You’re perfect,” he told her softly, his lips against her cheek, almost brushing her ear. “You’re everything to me. And when you’re ready, if we have a baby, our baby will be perfect too. I love you, sweetheart.”
Nancy closed her eyes, feeling the sting of tears behind them. “You’re everything to me, too,” she whispered.
He moved down, his lips finding her earlobe. “Do you love me?”
She pulled back quickly to look into his eyes, indignant and almost desperate, to see him grinning at her. “I love you to the moon and back,” she said. “More than all the stars.” She scrunched her nose at him, then relaxed her expression to a genuine smile. “More than anyone else in the world,” she said more quietly.
He pulled her close again, and she rested her palm over his heart, her thumb stroking back and forth. “I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything,” he whispered. “I hope you know that. We fought for this. And I will always fight for this. It’s too precious not to.”
She smiled, her lips moving against his skin, even though she was trembling faintly. “Thank you,” she whispered.
She felt him slowly relax under her as he let exhaustion claim him, and moved to rest her head in the hollow of his shoulder.
As long as there were Neds in the world, she thought just before drifting away herself, maybe being like her wouldn’t be so bad.