Ned had had such high hopes for the night, too.
They'd started with some pre-gaming, so he had been happily tipsy when he piled into Paul's massive SUV with the rest of the guys. Someone had mentioned a strip club, and Ned had joined in the raucous chorus, ignoring that faint pang of misgiving.
It didn't matter. The mood he was in, nothing mattered, and he just wanted to feel something again.
She was gone. Ned had thought through it, every permutation, every eventuality, and he kept facing the same problem: Nancy was unwilling to commit to him, and Ned couldn't accept anything less. So he couldn't accept anything less.
But oh, oh God, he wanted to, and the utter humiliation of it was all that stood between him and believing the next tearful admission and plea for reconciliation. She had played him for a fucking fool so many times, and he'd finally, shakily, sworn it the last time:
If she did it again, he was done.
And if he believed her, then he had nothing to worry about.
Because there were women out there who could be faithful, who were faithful. Who understood commitment and monogamy. She just wasn't one of them, and was chronically unable to be one of them.
So it was better, safer, if utterly debilitating, to just let her go. It was what she wanted, after all. It was what he needed to do, for his own sanity. The wounds of each betrayal barely had time to close, much less heal, before they were slashed open again.
And that was how he had found himself, standing—wavering, barely able to stay upright even while clinging to the edge of the stage—gazing up at the dancers, seeing them grin down at him, tease him with compliments and promises. Their favors were available to those who would pay. He could have that fidelity he craved, for whatever time his money would buy.
But his decision was a knife still dripping with his own blood, and he kept mentally returning to her. To Nancy, the love of his life, the only woman he had ever craved so completely, the only woman he could never truly have. His fraternity brothers assured him that all they had to do was throw a party, and he'd have his pick of any number of gorgeous, devoted women, who would be overjoyed to get to know him better, who would be ecstatic to grace his arm for a dance. He was everything they'd ever wanted.
But he wasn't. The thought of a woman gazing at him admiringly from a distance, attracted to him despite not really knowing him, turned him cold.
Nancy knew who he was. They had shared so much together, and while he knew she was attracted to him, she was more than attractive to other guys, too. Maybe the excitement was more compelling than good old reliable Ned. Maybe, for her, relationships had quick expiration dates, and she always knew that he would be there for her.
He just couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't devote all he was to her, all his love and fidelity, knowing that she would never return the feelings. That as much as she cared for him, or at least pretended to, the words and the gestures were meaningless. Her affection was available to any who drew her. Those kisses he savored had never been for him alone.
It was better, after all, that he and Nancy had never quite ended up in bed together. Because how, oh Jesus, how the fuck could he have let her go then? Even knowing that his wasn't the only bed she shared?
It was only a matter of time. He told himself that savagely, fiercely, driven home by the pain of his decision. She would sleep with someone else, would almost certainly do so before she would ever sleep with him, and he would be devastated. Better to just end it now. Better to make the decision before she could.
Better to acknowledge what had been true the whole time: That for him, a committed relationship had been as worthless and ephemeral as the spoken words, for her.
Ned was ridiculously drunk on the way back to the Omega house, but he had put on a show for his fraternity brothers, pretending that he was incredibly cheered by all they had done, that he was well on his way to being over Nancy. Good riddance. Good luck and goodbye.
But he caught himself wondering how long it would take. How long until she realized that he hadn't changed his relationship status to single, just deleted it entirely; until she realized that he hadn't called her, hadn't sent her a message? Would she just ignore it until they were both home and she needed someone to help her on a case, and think that he was just too busy when he never returned her calls?
And if something happened to her...
Well. Her flavor of the week would be there for her.
The way he felt right now, he would never be over her. But maybe it didn't matter. Maybe when he was sober, when a week had passed, then two, it wouldn't matter so much anymore. Maybe...
No. He wouldn't forget her. No matter how much this hurt, he couldn't. A first love couldn't be forgotten that easily.
He was struggling with that knowledge still as they pulled up at the Omega house and began to slide out of Paul's SUV. Ned had claimed the front passenger seat, had been able to ignore most of the raucous laughter and shouted conversation in the back as he tried to keep himself from tilting backward into the yawning abyss of his depression.
Ned knew he'd made the right choice, but his heart was sick at the prospect of life without her. Of getting through the night without making a stupid, drunken decision. Because he was already too close to doing something foolish.
He opened the door and was just saying something over his shoulder to Mike when he noticed the expression on Mike's face and glanced that way.
Nancy.
Nancy was sitting on the couch, rising. She was pale and her cheeks were wet.
Gradually all the conversation around them hushed, as everyone noticed. Ned could feel the mood in the room shift as they turned against her. The unlucky freshman who hadn't heard and had let her in was doing all he could to shrink in on himself and cringe away from the halo of the angry spotlight around Nancy.
And Ned's resistance to her, which barely existed, entirely crumbled. She was his everything, and she was standing here. He could never have turned her away, not even knowing what all the guys around him did. She would betray him again; she was just built that way.
But she was here now. And no matter how many times she stabbed him through the heart, that heart still entirely belonged to her.
It was like being under some ridiculous spell, some small corner of his mind realized, some crystal-clear part of him that was coldly sober. He could have been entirely sober, and he still would have felt this magnetic pull between them. The alcohol had nothing to do with how much she was still his home.
They couldn't be friends. He would never forget what he had wanted with her and all she had been to him. The only way to get through this was to cut her off entirely.
She shifted her weight onto her feet and came toward him a few steps, a flush rising in her wet cheeks as she responded to the hostility surrounding her, but her gaze was locked to his. "What's going on," she said quietly.
A tissue was crumpled in her fist.
Well. This part of it wasn't for public consumption, anyway. "Why don't we go out back," he suggested, and while a part of him dimly registered that the guys would likely strain at windows and doors to hear, at least there was some modicum of privacy to the venue change.
Mike touched Ned's shoulder. "Look, let me get her out of here," Mike said quietly. "You don't need this right now. You're not—thinking straight."
Ned smiled. "Thanks, man," he replied. "I'll be all right. She just needs closure."
Mike's mouth tightened, but he gave Ned a curt nod. "Okay."
Nancy sniffled as she stepped off the back steps in front of Ned, walked a couple of steps into the yard and turned around to face him. A stark yellow streetlamp flooded half the grass to deter any burglars, and it cast most of her face in a sickly pallor, the rest in shadow.
"What's going on," she repeated, and her lip trembled slightly before she met his gaze.
Ned shrugged. His gaze couldn't leave her, and even as he did all he could to distance himself from her, it wasn't enough. Every fiber of him just wanted to catch her in his arms and hold her tight, kiss her until she was shivering against him. She was here, and he hadn't thought he would see her again for long enough to just start to work past it.
"We're not compatible," he replied. "I've accepted it. And I'd say that I want you to be happy, but I'm enough of a bastard to wish—" He choked slightly. "To wish that it had been with me."
Nancy shook her head, her eyes brimming with tears. "Is this about..."
Ned's mouth quirked up on one side in a sarcastic smile. "Probably," he replied. "But it's about all the other ones, too. Look, I'm... completely in love with you. The hottest supermodel in the world could walk up to me right now and I wouldn't blink. Because I'm yours, Nan. But you've never been mine."
She stopped a foot away from him, just close enough to touch without doing so. "I'm completely in love with you too, Ned."
He shook his head slowly. "You can't be," he said softly. "Because if you were, you wouldn't keep falling in love with other people."
Nancy shook her head vehemently. "Look, I—yeah. I flirt with guys on cases. Or, it's more accurate to say that they flirt with me. It's exciting and it's fun. And then the case is over and I don't think about them. I don't imagine catching up with them or how it would be to date them. I'm not—falling in love with them. I'm already in love."
Ned shook his head. He was keeping calm, as calm as he could, even though he was shaking inside. He knew himself, and he knew he would take any excuse, any mitigation, to reverse his decision. That would just be delaying the inevitable.
"You can't love me if you do this."
Nancy made a frustrated sound, glancing away for a second. "Okay, I need to just own this. I would—I do—understand if, during the times I'm not here, you've found yourself attracted to other people. Denise." She shrugged, but Ned saw the way she didn't meet his eyes for a second, the slight tremble in her lip, and relished it. "If there have been parties where you were drunk and made out with other girls. It wouldn't have meant anything."
Knowing he was damning himself, he reached for her and touched her chin. "You're the first person I think of every morning and the last person I think of before I fall asleep," he said softly. "And so many times between. I don't flirt with anyone else. I don't make out with anyone else. You are... you're the first girl I've ever loved."
Nancy blinked at him. "You... your other girlfriends. The one you slept with...?"
"I really liked her. We were close. But then I met you, and you blew everyone else away."
"And that's how you are, for me." She touched his cheek, and Ned luxuriated in the sensation even as he quailed with fear. He was nowhere near over her, and every second in her proximity was wearing down his resistance further.
"Ned, did you... did you not... like sex?"
He pressed his lips together, fighting down panic. He could already hear her saying it: Because I did, and have, many times. I just never wanted that with you. "It was okay," he said. "I... thought it would be different. I'm pretty sure it would be different with you. But." He shrugged again, a quick, rough movement.
"Well, I've never. Done it, that is. When I tell you that I kissed a guy once or twice, that's literally what happened." She searched his eyes. "It doesn't mean it meant anything. To them or to me."
"But it means something to me. I..."
Nancy gasped in a breath, her eyes suddenly widening. Then she glanced over and saw a folding chair that had been left out after the last party, and sagged into it. "Um," she said quietly. "I... So are you... Do you think you might be asexual?"
There was no other chair nearby, and Ned's legs were suddenly boneless. He sank to sit on the back steps and buried his face in his hands.
"What's wrong?" she asked softly.
He smiled humorlessly against his palms. "I just never wanted you to know," he replied, his voice muffled by his skin.
--
Nancy just gazed at Ned, all the blood draining out of her face.
He was drunk, and she still didn't quite know what happened to make him change his relationship status in such a public way without even telling her what was going on in his head, but she had pieced together enough, maybe. She took out her phone and started composing a message, her fingers trembling slightly with nervous energy.
When I would meet other guys on cases and we'd flirt/make out, did you think I was unfaithful?
Oh honey. Bess replied almost immediately, even though Nancy hadn't messaged her. So she was looking over her cousin's shoulder, which didn't surprise Nancy at all.
Of course, George replied. How could you do that if you hadn't caught feelings?
Feelings.
"How did you..." Ned trailed off, his eyes red-rimmed, his expression... oh, so bruised. So afraid.
"Bess was reading an article a few months ago, and all three of us started talking about it. George identified with it so completely, and she said it was like... like all the puzzle pieces finally fit together."
"So George..."
"Is ace," Nancy confirmed with a nod. "I just—well, I just asked her if when I made out with guys on cases, did she think I was cheating, and she said 'of course.' Bess, well, she and I have talked about it before, and she said I needed to follow my heart. But..." Nancy sighed and brushed her hair back, blotted at her wet cheeks. "That supermodel thing you mentioned. I've been around incredibly hot guys who flirted with me. I felt attracted to them. The attention was flattering. The connection was... fleeting. And I don't know the right words to explain that those momentary flings were absolutely nothing in comparison to the way I feel about you."
He studied her face. "Then why risk what we had for something that didn't mean very much?"
She shrugged. "Because you always had that permanent place in my heart," she replied. "It wasn't that much of a risk. At least, I never thought it was." She sighed. "To me, it was never an intentional—hurt. It was never going to go anywhere." She wrapped her arms around herself and gazed at Ned. "But when we make out, when you hold me, it's because you love me," she said, more gently.
Ned nodded. He was still having trouble meeting her eyes.
"Can I come sit with you?"
He sighed. "You're just going to hurt me again," he muttered, and then he did look into her eyes.
Nancy's sight blurred with tears, and she blinked them down her cheeks. "Does it count for anything that I don't want to hurt you?"
He shrugged. "I think I've been clear about it before. It didn't seem to make a difference then."
Nancy blotted at her cheeks again. "I didn't realize that you thought I was falling in love with all these assholes."
"And it's so incredibly alien to me that you could do this without that. It means..." He spread his arms, palms up. "That I don't know what I have with you."
Nancy snorted. "You do know what you have with me," she countered. "We love each other."
"But love means something different to me. It means making out with someone else is just... completely unthinkable."
Nancy nodded. For a moment they just sat there, Nancy sniffling, Ned clearly uncomfortable and upset.
"Why didn't you want me to know?" she asked gently. "That, about you?"
Ned shrugged. "Why would I want you to know that I'm not normal?"
At that, Nancy's lips turned up. "You're exceptional in so many ways," she said. "And I'm just starting to understand that the sweetest, kindest, most incredible guy I've ever met is also so very much in love with me that for him, other women... don't even register. That the way you feel about me is so, so much. And that's pretty damn awesome."
He smiled, briefly. "It doesn't change the fact that we're incompatible."
Nancy looked down at her hands, then back up at him. "Well, let's try something," she replied. "Now that I know... everything. Give me one more chance."
The look he gave her was enough to steal her breath. All the pain, disbelief—and the faint, badly-disguised hope. He wanted to believe her. He wanted to think that there was a chance.
"In a few weeks, when I have a case, if I happen to meet a guy, I'll remember everything we've talked about, and I'll remember that I'll lose the guy I love if I act on any fleeting attraction. And I'll know that it isn't worth it." He was holding her gaze, but she could sense how close he was to just—removing himself from this, from walking away. Because, apparently, he already had. Would have, if she and Bess and George hadn't taken turns driving here while speculating wildly about whatever could have happened. "Bess and George will be with me. And please believe that if some guy tries to make moves on me, Bess will happily try to intercept those passes, if I ask."
Nancy smiled, but Ned didn't. He was still searching her face, still trying to make sense of all this. For all she knew, his being drunk was making this infinitely harder.
She dropped the smile. "You don't owe me this," she said. "My God, you don't owe me anything, after—everything. But you love me and I love you. That hasn't changed."
"It hasn't," he agreed, his voice so quiet she could barely hear it.
Between her joined hands, she felt a small tag of loose dry skin and began to worry it. "So what happened when you had sex?" she asked, quiet. "If you're ace."
Ned pulled in a deep breath and tipped his head back to look up at the sky. He was quiet as he considered. "When that happened, I didn't know I—was different. And I did care about her, a lot. We were friends, and then we started exclusively dating. Everything was so new..." He pulled in another deep breath and let it out as a sigh. "For her, it seemed like a... proof, I guess. That if we really loved each other, this was how she imagined it would be. And I thought that was true, too. I was really gentle with her, and she was so..." The color had risen a bit in his cheeks. "It was—pretty amazing, to be able to give someone that much pleasure."
At that, Nancy's head dropped. Maybe it was, but Ned also hadn't done anything like that with her, and to know he'd apparently judged her as unworthy of something that didn't mean as much to him was damned humiliating.
"Nan," he said quietly, and she looked over at him reluctantly, waiting a moment before she did.
"For me, there was no love in having sex," he said, gently.
Nancy's eyebrows rose. "I..." she began, but couldn't find any words to follow it.
"Not with her. There would be love in it, if—" He cut himself off and gave his head a shake. "It was 'This is what I'm expected to do, this is what other guys do, so I'll do it.' And because everything else had... I don't really know how to explain this. I... I did it because she wanted to, and because I thought I did too, but I didn't enjoy it. Not for me. I enjoyed making her feel good."
Nancy smiled briefly. Well, that completely tracked with Ned's personality, anyway. "But you've never wanted that with me," she said, before she could stop herself.
"Of course I have," he replied. "But I also am hurt by you on a pretty regular basis. Having sex is... it's a big step. And realizing that you could just make out with other guys without any thought to how it would impact us—do you not realize that any day now, I was expecting you to tell me that you've been sleeping with other people, too? And to just expect me to be okay with it, to get over it? Because if—if this was for you the way it is for me? If what's between us really is so incredible? Then why would anyone else even register for you? And if they do, then where's the line? You just wouldn't marry anyone else?"
She searched his sweet, dark eyes, the expression of naked hurt and grief on his face, and launched herself at him, hoping he would catch her. When he did, she wrapped herself tight around him, moving to speak into his ear. "You are the only man I have ever imagined going to bed with," she replied. "The only one. Knowing you'd had sex before but apparently didn't want to have sex with me... that hurt. Because I didn't understand. I didn't know you were protecting yourself, that you'd never had sex with someone you loved. That it would mean so much to—to you, too." She stroked her fingers through his hair, quivering a little inside. "But you've wanted that with me?" Even though her voice was quiet, it still cracked.
He nodded. "I love you with all my heart," he whispered. "Just being around you tonight... you have this hold on me that no one else has or will. But once I realized that I was... this, and you definitely weren't... it made sense, kind of. That saying 'I love you' just didn't mean the same thing to you."
"It does," she countered, moving to look into his eyes, and they were so close now, so damn close. "You know me like no one else does. The pull between us... it's frightening sometimes, how intense it is. Maybe it's a little fear, that keeps me looking. But I can assure you of this." She smoothed his hair again, then gazed deep into his eyes. "You and I, we've dated other people. Before this, and while we were broken up. We've had so many opportunities to see whether the grass is greener. And it isn't." She smiled. "You're perfect, Ned. You're a damn unicorn. I don't deserve you and I never will, but you're the man I love. Now, just... give me time to show you that I can be... who you've wanted."
His eyes were gleaming when he gazed at her, and what she saw in his face was heartbreaking. Hopeless, helpless love, pain, numb acceptance. Oh, he would come back to her, and he knew the price he would be paying to do it. And now she did, too.
She stroked his cheek. "I don't want to hurt you," she whispered. "I didn't know how much it hurt you to be with me."
He searched her eyes. He didn't speak. Maybe he'd already said too much. Maybe he was just so tired of sacrificing himself for this, over and over.
"I didn't know," she said again. "Please. Please talk to me." Her eyes pricked with tears again. "Baby, I wish you'd told me. When did you find out?" she asked, desperate to provoke any response in him, anything she could engage with.
"That I was different?"
She nodded, wiping her cheeks.
"It happened... slowly, and then all at once," he said. "Things I overheard that didn't make sense. That didn't match the way I felt or experienced things. Things I thought people were just lying about. And meeting you, that made things even more confusing. Because I... didn't feel sexual attraction, before you."
Nancy's cheeks warmed. "I'm the first?" she whispered.
He nodded. "I'm such a damned fool," he whispered.
She stroked his cheeks. "So you've known for a while?"
"Yeah." He drew in a breath that trembled. "It was probably a little before George did, actually. And if you'd asked me, I probably would have guessed, that she, but I never..."
Nancy shrugged. "And I probably shouldn't have said anything," she realized. "This is just between us, okay? What you've told me, and... George. I mean, she's been telling people, when she's chosen to, but... yeah, she probably would have just casually mentioned it to you... oh." She studied his expression. "She already did?"
"She said something in front of me that tipped me off. About finding the whole concept of sex pretty terrifying. And I got that. With anyone other than you, it's... unimaginable. And I..." Ned glanced away, making a quiet sound. "I never wanted to be this way. It felt like losing something, when I realized I was. Figuring out that I'd never have the kind of relationship I'd always imagined. It felt like I'd been lying to you, somehow, even though... I'd never really understood. I was just passing as this masculine, sexually-normal guy, and I even fooled myself."
"Well, I... when we were talking about it, and all the permutations. I figured out that when it comes to romantic attraction, I feel that strongly."
Ned snickered.
"Point taken," Nancy said. "But sex? I wasn't lying. I've never had it with anyone else, never wanted to. Only you. And thinking that you didn't want that with me was... well, it did hurt. You say that you aren't normal, but... that is the most normal thing to me, anyway. Not wanting to have sex with anyone else."
His adam's apple bobbed. She could sense that he wanted to say something, but he didn't speak.
"What?" she prompted softly.
"I'm probably not good at it," he said, not meeting her eyes.
Nancy made a scoffing sound, touching his arm, his shoulder blades, gazing at him incredulously. "You just told me that it felt good to make your partner feel good," she replied. "What, you think she faked it? How would that not be good, if you enjoy making me feel good, and I enjoy it too?"
"Because the stakes have never been this high," he pointed out. "If—she—had told me she didn't want to do it again, I would have been hurt, but I would have been very relieved. And if—"
She waited. Oh God, it hurt, but she waited.
Ned swallowed and looked into her eyes again. "If I... if I say that I want to try again. If I give you another chance. And then you find out I'm not good. You'll want to be with someone else." His voice broke a little at the end.
She sniffled, her heart aching for him, and then she caught his mouth with hers in a long, deep kiss. He groaned quietly and then he was clinging to her, desperate, drowning.
When they broke the kiss, she nuzzled against his ear. "Baby, I—I know how to make myself come," she said. "We can learn it together. If you know how to do that too, then you can teach me. We can figure out the rest when we need to. Hell, maybe—that part. Maybe we'll just forget about it. But oh my God, the thought of being in bed with you, holding you, crying out your name... and being able to make you feel good. Holy shit."
"You'd stop at third, huh."
"At this rate, third is... as good as a home run? I don't know the metaphor. I don't care. But you're putting so much pressure on yourself about things and we don't even know if they're true." She moved to look into his eyes. "I have faith in you. Please have some faith in me. That I can change, that we don't need to have mind-blowing sex in the next month to stay together. Look, you could tell me that during the last frat party, you and one of the other guys here found out that you were really into each other, and my only concern would be whether you still were in love with me, too." She snorted. "Given everything else, I'm the last person to judge."
He frowned. "Would it help to say that I—when I say I'm not attracted to anyone else, I don't mean just other girls? It is, literally, anyone."
She smiled. "It does," she confirmed. "It does help. And it also makes me feel like complete shit, given... well."
"Given that you can feel romantic attraction pretty easily."
"Yeah. Given that." She smiled, then slowly relaxed and searched his eyes. "If you need time, I can give that to you," she said, more quietly. "This is a lot to... process. You figured that if I wasn't ace too, I couldn't love you, huh."
"I'm a unicorn," he pointed out softly, repeating her own words back to her.
"Yeah. Well, I'm a virgin," she replied, and smiled.
--
They knew, and Ned didn't care. He could feel their eyes on him as he guided her up the stairs, and he didn't bother saying anything or even meeting anyone's gazes. Mike, especially, Mike who knew so, so much—there would be a reckoning later, but for tonight...
He took her up to his room, feeling reckless, feeling the terrible weight of it, no matter what she'd said. If it was going to happen, he wanted it to happen now, tonight. If he wasn't what she wanted, if he couldn't be that person, then they could both begin their mourning.
But oh, God help him, he needed something to break. Even if it was him.
She stopped him with her palm in the center of his chest, after he had closed the door behind them. "If you're drunk..."
He shook his head. "We went to a strip club tonight," he said, and her flinch of pain warmed his jealous heart a little. His lips quirked up in a sarcastic smile as he explained, "It's easier to play drunk, in case I can't quite pass."
"Pass as straight."
"As one of them." He searched her face. "As one of you," he added, even more quietly.
She set her jaw and gazed back at him. She knew, now, and he felt like he was on the edge of an infinite chasm. "We love each other," she said. "I don't give a fuck what words are supposed to apply, or anything we're 'supposed' to do," she said, punctuating with the rapid jerk of her fingers in air quotes. "If you want this with me, then I want to explore it with you. It's that simple. It always has been. And if you change your mind..."
Ned didn't trust himself to speak. He barely trusted himself to breathe. Whenever he had tried to imagine this, she had always been dismissive, sarcastic, disdaining. He'd been too afraid to imagine it any other way, to lose himself in the slim, slim possibility that she might actually at least try to understand. Because he was already bleeding, bruised, by everything, and the dashing of those reluctant hopes would have been the last straw.
He should never have done this, but hearing those words on her lips, I love you, if you want to be with me... He was undone all over again, pushing back the inevitable for another day or two, and desperately greedy to experience all that he could with her before the clock ran out again. And so, so scared that tonight would undo them for good.
Her eyes began to gleam again. "Fucking hell, how have I not seen you," she said softly. "Is it just that I didn't want to see it? Baby, I am so, so sorry I've hurt you. That I kept hurting you. If we... go to bed, and you want to stop, at any point? Then we stop. I'm not gonna get up and put my clothes back on and walk out of your life forever. Okay?"
He searched her eyes. "Same for you," he replied.
She chuckled, blinking and sending a pair of tears down her cheeks. "You're the one who has at least some experience at this."
"Which kind of makes it worse," he pointed out. "At least you're not walking into this with any expectations."
She shrugged, and then a wicked light came into her eyes. "How about—Well, I expect to come," she told him, a hint of color rising in her cheeks again. "Whether it's you or me doing it, so it's guaranteed."
Ned couldn't help it. At the thought of her experiencing such pleasure, even just while they were in proximity, he felt a blinding surge of arousal and want that had him drawing her into his arms, finding her mouth with a long, deep kiss.
He didn't know what she had been wearing, only that fairly soon after, she no longer was. They moved together toward the bed, leaving their clothes on the floor, clinging to each other. The glance of her newly bared breast against his bared chest, the quiet moan in her throat when he cupped her hips...
When she wrapped her legs around him, so gorgeous and warm and alive and his, her eyes alight with love, he almost broke down. This had been lost to him. All of this had been lost to him, and he had been destroyed by it. Even now, it felt like a dream.
"Show me," he panted. "Show me what you want, baby."
She drew him down to her again. She was in his bed, naked, and despite the roaring in his head, he could feel how close they were to the end. He had ended them, and yet she was here.
His kiss was so tender, so sweet. Everything he'd never quite been able to say to her. He'd tried to tell her so many times, what she meant to him. Maybe he wasn't ready. Maybe there was no being ready for this. But at least he understood the logistics. At least he wouldn't humiliate himself in quite that way.
"Oh God," she breathed, as he nuzzled against her neck, trailed kisses over her skin. "Oh God, I can't believe this is real. I cried the entire trip here. Shit," she muttered to herself.
Ned pulled back to look into her eyes. "I didn't do it to hurt you," he said. "I did it so I'd stop hurting. I didn't think you'd even notice, really, and not so quickly."
"You didn't think I'd notice?"
He shook his head. "We've gone weeks, before, without talking," he said. "For all I knew, this last one was..."
She stroked his cheek. "Already forgotten," she said, after he had trailed off. "Because you're the last. First, last, only. Always. I love you so much."
When he looked into her eyes, he believed it. Damn her, damn him, he believed it.
"I love you," he said, and the tenderness in her gaze lanced right through him. If she pitied him, he didn't know what he would do. "Show me what you want."
"Touch me," she replied. "Kiss me. Show me how it is, to... to make love. If you need some help finding my clit or anything..."
He smiled. "I think I can manage that," he replied.
She murmured her pleasure as he worked his way down her body, and he paid close attention to the way she moved, the way she shifted and combed her fingers through his hair. He nuzzled against her breasts, kissing her, licking her nipples and then drawing each between his lips for teasing and suckling, and that provoked long delighted moans and gasps of pleasure. He kissed her hips, her inner thighs—
"Oh yes," she cried out, as he parted her legs wide and found the tender button of her clit. He started with soft, gentle strokes, then firm ones, and once her hips were bucking rhythmically under him, he licked her there.
"Jesus Christ," she sobbed, and when he glanced up he saw her pinching her nipples and fondling her breasts. "More, baby, please..."
Yes. He would always give her more.
He licked, suckled, stroked, until she was crying loudly, desperately, and God, he had never been more turned on. This was what he thought he'd feel like. And though he hadn't tried to slide inside her yet, even the run-up hadn't felt like this before.
"Should I," she gasped, "be quiet? I'm sorry..."
He replaced his lips with his thumb, continually stroking the slick button of flesh between her legs, as he smiled. "Probably good for my reputation to have you screaming in pleasure right now," he pointed out. "And it's hot."
"It is?" She grinned, her body still rocking and quivering with his strokes. "Good."
He licked her again a few times, and her breathing was rapid, edged in sobs. When he thought she might be close, he rubbed his thumb in quick strokes over her clit and stroked his finger down the slick lips of her sex.
"Yes," she sobbed, rocking against him, urging him, encouraging him. "Fuck yes, I want you to feel me come, baby..."
Ned didn't need any further pleading. He moved over her and their lips met in a desperate kiss as he worked his finger inside her, and God, she was quivering around him, clenching around him.
To feel her do that against his cock—
She screamed her pleasure, her hips bucking as he moved his finger in and out of her, feeling how deliriously wet and tight she was, his thumb still rubbing in rapid strokes over her clit. He smiled as he heard it, the shocked gasp of breath when he suckled against her nipple again, when he slid another finger inside her and continued fucking her with it, and she wasn't shocked. She was getting off on it, on him.
The woman he loved, truly loved, was reaching the first orgasm she hadn't had to give herself. With him.
"Do you feel it?" she gasped.
"Yeah, baby." He moved to look into her face. Her cheeks were flushed, and she looked wild, exhilarated, her pleasure so intense it was almost like pain. He kissed her again as she sobbed, the tender flesh between her legs throbbing and tightening around his fingers.
Then she reached down and held his hand inside her, letting out a last breathless scream as she reached the peak of her orgasm, as he kept stroking her clit. "Oh my God," she sobbed, and then she turned her head and sought his lips for a long, deep kiss, the hollow between her thighs still pulsing against his fingers. Their kiss lingered, deep and hungry, as she shuddered and bucked. He slowed his strokes, letting her down, and panted against her skin as she kept holding his wrist, holding him inside her.
God. He was so fucking hard.
He slid his knee between her wide-parted legs, lowering himself to her, and groaned loudly as his erection touched her flesh.
"Mmm, yes," she moaned. "Oh my God, baby, that was so good, you were so good... rub against me, just like that..."
She released his hand and they wrapped around each other as he dragged his heavy, sensitive cock over her belly, her thighs, the trace of arousal there. They kissed over and over, as the incredible tension climbed in him, as he drowned in just the wonder of feeling her skin against his cock.
God, he wanted her.
"I love you," he murmured as their kiss broke.
"I love you," she replied. "And that thing better fit, Ned. God, you're massive. And yet I want it. The most improbable thing in the world, isn't it?" She was still flushed and beautiful as she gazed up at him. "That that would fit? Am I—too small, too tight?"
He shook his head. "Do you want it—like this?"
"Like how?"
"With me on top?"
She trailed her hand down his back and cupped his ass. "I mean, if we're saying that all the weird shit Bess has ever read out of Cosmo is on the table... and, I don't know, I guess we can talk about your prostate next time..."
Ned laughed, despite himself. He was still rubbing himself against her; it was addictive, and her skin was so soft. "Yeah, let's not get ahead of ourselves."
She smiled. "Me on top? I mean, have you...?"
He shook his head. "Haven't tried that before," he confirmed.
"Would it be tricky?"
"I don't think so. Plus, if you felt uncomfortable..."
Her eyes widened. "What if you do?"
He rubbed against her one last time, then sat back. "Well, first off, I need to get a condom, but second, I've never been this turned on, ever. I'll definitely let you know if something changes, but the thought of you riding me is incredibly sexy."
Her smile became a grin. "To me too," she said. "I think. I'm still a little nervous but I'm almost ready for another round. So teach me about condoms, Ned."
He chuckled and moved to fish one out of his bedside table, finding the lube as he checked the date. "We're in luck," he announced.
Nancy was sitting up on her knees, too. "So you lay down, I get on top of you..."
"We make out some more, and then, if we want..." He gestured vaguely.
"Mmm." She glanced down at his cock, made a clucking sound with her tongue as she shook her head once, then met his gaze. "Yours is the only one I ever plan on being this close to, but just know that it... well. You should be proud of it. And if I didn't think it would ruin the mood, I'd snap a pic just to make Bess wild with jealousy."
Ned burst out laughing. "Thanks for refraining."
"Just soak it in, knowing that you have a magnificent..." She raised an eyebrow. "What should I call it?"
"'Cock' is fine."
"Mmm. That cock is a lot more than 'fine,'" she replied with a groan of appreciation, and Ned laughed again, even though he felt a definite surge of arousal and pride.
"With all your vast experience."
She shrugged slightly, and her breasts moved, drawing his gaze there. She chuckled. "That cock belongs to the guy I love," she pointed out. "Maybe it's the only one I'll ever see, but apparently I've made an excellent choice. Drop the mic. I'm done." She moved across the bed a little, toward him, and as she reached for him, she met his gaze, silently asking permission. He nodded, and when she wrapped her hand around his erection, he groaned in pleasure.
"Do you want this with me?" she whispered.
He nodded vigorously. "I've never felt this way," he said. "Never before. Never with anyone else. I love you so much."
She searched his eyes. "Lay down," she whispered.
While it was torture, it was the sweetest kind, to feel her lavish kisses all over him, her caresses as she explored him, stroked him, teased him. She nuzzled against him, and Ned groaned, burying his hand in her hair to cup her head as she kissed his cock, licked the length and the head, traced the slit there with the tip of her tongue.
"Fuck," he swore. "Oh my God, baby."
She laughed softly. "You drove me crazy," she told him. "It's only fair."
"Was it good?"
She kissed the tip of his cock, then moved back to look into his face. "Couldn't have done it better myself," she said with a grin.
Ned relaxed and smiled. "Good."
"So I've... used my fingers before, but nothing more than that, and you... are definitely more than that. I'm just a little nervous."
"You don't have to answer, but, uh, when you..."
"Touched myself," she filled in, her eyes twinkling, as she straddled him.
"Touched yourself," he repeated, with a little shiver of pleasure. "What... did you think about?"
She smiled. "You," she replied. "A thousand variations on this. This has been... incredible, baby." Then she realized, and tipped her head. "And you?"
"Just how good it feels to get off, honestly. But I didn't... I didn't know if I'd ever be here, so I didn't want to jinx it, imagining."
She chuckled a little, nervously. "Now it's my turn to hope I don't screw this up."
"Here." He helped guide her into position over him, then reached for the condom and slicked lube over it. "You're gonna be fine. You don't have to do it all at once; you can take your time. And if you need to stop, just stop."
She nodded. "Hey, can I see that?"
She seemed very interested in squeezing a drop of lube onto her fingertip, and as he positioned himself so she could mount him, he saw why, and groaned in appreciation as she slowly rubbed her finger over her clit. "Ahhhhh, yes," she moaned. "Mmm. We can do this," she told herself.
Ned couldn't help laughing. "What do you call yours?"
"Clit?"
"No..." He shrugged.
"Oh. Mmmm." She kept stroking her clit, and her hips rocked, her lashes fluttering down as she took just the tip of him inside her. "I don't? Like, no nickname or—ohhhhh, God. No nicknames or anything."
"Pussy?"
"Is that what you want to call it?"
"If that works for you."
"What, for dirty talk?" She moaned again, tipping her head back as she slid up, then back down again.
"For pep talks."
Nancy laughed. "Sure. And we can call it 'princess' in mixed company."
"What would the princess like tonight?"
"To find out what her boyfriend's cock feels like? Hmm. Yeah, we'll need a PG-13 nickname for you, too."
"Unicorn," Ned said, on a laugh.
Nancy laughed too, taking him another few inches and then sliding up again. "'The princess wants to ride her unicorn' actually sounds even dirtier."
"You're not wrong. And watching you touch your clit is so fucking hot."
"Mmm." They both groaned loudly as she shifted her weight and mounted him fully, until her inner thighs were snug against his hips, then paused there. "Oh, Jesus. Give me a minute."
Ned grunted. The feel of her, liquid and tender and tight around him, was incredible. "Fucking hell," he groaned.
Nancy gasped. "Bad?"
He shook his head. "There are no words. Well, any coherent ones."
"You're so big. But in a good way. Such a massive—horn?" She grimaced, contracting quickly around him. "See, that just sounds super painful."
"True. Can I touch you?"
"Oh God, yes. Please."
He caressed her hips, her ass, her lower back, as she leaned over him, still fully joined to him. When she was close enough, their lips met in a long, searing kiss, and he felt her gasp against it when his thumb brushed her clit.
"Yes," she sobbed. "Fuck. Can I just..."
"Do what feels right, baby."
She rubbed her breasts against his chest, her breath catching with every stroke of his thumb over her clit. "Oh my God. I don't want to stop. I don't ever want to stop. Are you all right?"
"God, yes."
She rocked her hips, then groaned loudly at the sensation of the shallow thrust. "Okay. Let me just try..."
She pushed herself up, then made her first real, tentative thrust, moving so he was half out of her and then sinking down onto him again. She was cupping her breasts, rubbing her nipples, as Ned rubbed his thumb over her clit. Her pussy clenched and released in weak spasms.
"Fuck," she sighed, drawing the word out into a languorous moan. "You're so good, Ned. This is so damn good."
"Yeah it is, baby."
It took every bit of his self-control to hold out as she found her rhythm and began to ride him in long, firm strokes, experimenting with angle and force, until she had braced herself with her palms and was fucking him in rough, rapid thrusts. Her harsh, panted breaths had built to sobbing cries, loud moans of wild pleasure going shrill as she screamed.
And Ned was groaning too, rubbing her clit hard, his other hand kneading her ass as he fought down his own climax. "Nan—"
"Yes!" She screamed in pleasure, rutting against him now, her thrusts short and desperate. "Oh yes!"
Ned cried out as he came inside her, his hips thrusting up into the sweet press of her, where she was rippling and clenching around his cock in quick spasms.
Nancy groaned loudly, sinking to him, panting. "Fuck. Oh fuck."
"Yeah," he agreed. "In every sense of the word."
She chuckled. "So it does fit," she murmured in awe. "So fucking deep, but it fits."
"It does," he agreed. He gazed up at her, and when her lashes fluttered up, she gave him the most beautiful smile he'd ever seen, mussed hair, flushed cheeks, and all.
"There was love in this for me," she said, searching his eyes. "So much love. I could never have done this with anyone else."
He reached up and stroked her cheek. "And I could never have this with anyone else," he replied. "The first time... it was going through the motions. But this..." He shook his head.
"So it was okay?"
He nodded. "Way more than okay," he said. "You're everything to me, Nan. You make me feel like... like I'm almost normal. And I love you so much."
She smiled slightly. "Don't ever settle for 'almost normal,'" she replied. "When you touch yourself while we're apart, think of this. Of me." She tightened her inner flesh against his cock.
He gasped. "Yes, princess."
Her smile grew, and she leaned down until her forehead was against his. "I love every part of you, every bit of you," she said. "There's nothing you could tell me that would take that love away."
"For me, too." He searched her eyes. "You have my whole heart. For always."
"And you have mine." She smiled again. "Why would I ever look anywhere else. You're perfect. My perfect, rare, beautiful Ned."
She was nuzzling against his ear when Ned chuckled. "And when we're apart and you touch yourself, princess..."
She nipped at his earlobe. "Know that I'll be incredibly disappointed that you aren't with me," she replied. "Especially now that I know what I'm missing. And that I'll be calling, maybe to let you listen... but also to let you know I need to schedule a ride at your earliest convenience."
He smiled, wrapping her in a tight embrace. "Your wish is my command."